


My Head's Under Water (But I'm Doing Fine)

by StoriesOfImagination



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: 1920s Speakeasy Vibe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Romantic Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:14:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24744430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StoriesOfImagination/pseuds/StoriesOfImagination
Summary: "There was a smattering of applause as the band finished a song. Tommy heard the opening notes of Creep and turned to watch them. He loved this version of the song.But tonight, it hit him differently. It was as though every line was an accusation, an attack. His breath caught in his throat."~~~Post Modern Jukebox comes to Verdant and Tommy has an existential crisis. Fortunately, Felicity is there to remind him what a good guy he is (no matter how crappy his parentage).Thank you to Abbie and always_a_queen for cheering me on <3The first song is Creep:https://youtu.be/m3lF2qEA2cwThe second song is All of Me:https://youtu.be/UXS52TSweKc
Relationships: Tommy Merlyn & Felicity Smoak, Tommy Merlyn/Felicity Smoak
Comments: 9
Kudos: 30





	My Head's Under Water (But I'm Doing Fine)

Tommy moved among the tall tables around the edge of Verdant’s dance floor. He worked the crowd, enjoying his persona of a 1920s speakeasy owner for the night. 

When he had booked Postmodern Jukebox to play at Verdant, Thea had persuaded him to go all out and make it an Event with a capital “E”. He agreed on the understanding that they donate all the profits from the night to Habitat for Humanity. The organization was spearheading some rebuilding efforts in the Glades. 

Although Tommy had been officially cleared of any knowledge or guilt in the plot, he still had not forgiven himself for being blind to his father’s insanity. He had always thought Malcolm’s cruelty burned specifically for him, and missing the scope of his madness was something which literally kept Tommy up at night.

The truth was, he was grateful for the opportunity to do something useful. So he smiled and schmoozed the customers; complemented their 1920s styled outfits, and suggested drinks from their themed cocktail menu.

Thea had done such a thorough job of styling the club as a speakeasy, that it was genuinely like stepping back in time. Steampunk-style pendant lights hung from the ceiling and tall leafy plants had been placed around the edges of the room. She had even talked the bouncers into wearing outfits which wouldn’t have looked out of place guarding Capone.

Tommy had to admit that it was a stroke of genius to offer a free cocktail to anyone who came in costume. People had really embraced the theme - just as Thea said they would. 

The Jazz bass thrummed and he tipped his fedora to a group of ladies on his way back to the bar. He could tell they were a few drinks in and on the hunt. He had no objections in principle, but wasn’t in the mood tonight. 

If he were honest, he had lost his taste for one-night stands of late. They left him feeling hollow and lonelier than ever. He paused for a moment as he grabbed a bottle from behind the bar -- that thought lodging uncomfortably inside him -- when was the last time he had felt a real human connection with someone?

The last year ran through his head while his hands automatically fixed himself a drink. By the time he returned the bottle and picked up his glass, he had to admit there hadn’t been anyone since he and Laurel went up in flames. There had been flings, sure, but no-one who really  _ mattered  _ to him -- or who missed him once he’d walked out their door.

There was a smattering of applause as the band finished a song. Tommy heard the opening notes of Creep and turned to watch them. He loved this version of the song.

But tonight, it hit him differently. It was as though every line was an accusation, an attack. His breath caught in his throat.

_ ~I wish I was special… You’re so very special~ _

Tommy felt as though the floor had dropped out from under him. Ice filled his veins with every line, every note.

_ ~What the hell am I doing here?~ _

He took a large swallow of his drink as images from the night the Glades fell flashed through his mind.

_ ~I don’t belong here~ _

All his mistakes, all his failed relationships, the mess with Laurel and Oliver -- it all swirled in his stomach like the whiskey. He drained his glass and signaled the barman for another.

_ ~I don’t care if it hurts… I wanna have control~ _

Oliver had tried to warn him about Malcolm, but his own hurt and pride had kept him from seeing the truth. How many people had died because of that one moment, that one day?

_ ~I wanna perfect soul~ _

He would never be clean of it, he thought bitterly.

Two more drinks.

And it still wasn’t scouring the guilt or deadening the pain.

A hand on his shoulder brought him back to the present with a sharp intake of breath. He turned to greet them, with his host persona and smile plastered quickly in place. His shoulders relaxed - as did his mask - when he saw Felicity.

Her eyes flitted over his face as soft as a caress. She nodded once and smiled wryly. He knew that without a single word between them she had the measure of him and his mood. They had been good at reading one another from the first time they met in the ER on the night of--

The memories battered him again. He was drowning in them tonight.

“Dance with me, Tommy.”

It wasn’t a question, it was an offer of an anchor in his storm

He found himself nodding, even as his brain shouted at him not to drag her into the eddy of this black water. Before he could change his mind, she tugged him towards the dance floor. He held her hand like the lifeline it was.

They fell easily into each other’s arms on the dance floor. Her arms over his shoulders, her hands stroking the back of his neck. An involuntary shudder coursed through him and he pulled her closer. 

They were cheek-to-cheek now, and Tommy breathed in her scent as though it were pure oxygen. 

Felicity’s lips ghosted his ear, “You’re gonna be okay Tommy. You’re no creep and you’re not your father. You never could be.” She spoke softly but with conviction.

He blinked the sudden wetness from his eyes and tried to speak past the golf ball-sized lump in his throat. “But... I screw up everything I touch.” His voice was scratchy as he bit out his confession.

She pulled back a little - but only a little, just enough to take his face in her hands and look him right in the eye.

“Tommy, listen to me.” Felicity’s eyes were clear, her expression determined. “I know it can feel that way sometimes, but you need to know _ it’s a lie _ . We make mistakes,  _ all  _ of us. But you are a good man trying to make good choices every day. That counts for a hell of a lot”

He swallowed the lump in his throat and dragged a shaky breath through his teeth

She pulled him back into a tight embrace and he moved his feet with hers automatically. 

Tommy let her words settle in his bones. He thought about the changes he’d been making this past year. Exerting what small influence he had with Merlyn Global to do some good before they dissolved. Building bridges with Oliver and Laurel, and even Detective Lance. 

He was proud of the way he had helped Thea through her anger with her mother, and with her discovery of her parentage. His perspective had been unique and valuable to her.

And his new friendships, with Sara when she reappeared, with Digg, and with Felicity. 

His life was broken up into chapters and the most recent one had Felicity on almost every page.

Tommy was vaguely aware that a new song was playing, and as it washed over them his hands moved from clasping her to caressing her. His fingers skated over the beading on her flapper dress, tugging playfully on the fringe before moving further up her back. 

_ ~What would I do without your smart mouth?~ _

He honestly couldn’t imagine his life without Felicity in it anymore. They trusted each other completely - which was a rare thing in this town. After the fallout from last year, they had got to know each other, tentatively at first, but then they promised each other to always tell the truth no matter how difficult. And now… well now she was his closest confidant and he was hers. 

“I’m scared, Felicity,” he admitted. “What if I’m just fooling myself?”

“About what?” She tilted her head, waiting for him to sift through his muddled thoughts.

“What if--” he could barely choke the words past his lips. “--what if I  _ am  _ like my father after all?”

“Tommy--”

“I mean it, Felicity.” The words came tumbling out now; ones he’d tried so hard not to think, let alone say. As if saying them made his fears become reality. “I’m so angry all the time lately. I catch glimpses of him in the mirror and it scares the shit out of me. What if I’m just fooling everyone the way he did?”

_ ~My head’s under water, but I’m breathing fine~ _

Felicity’s hand cupped his face and he turned into it with a shaky breath. “Tommy, think about all the good you’ve done. All the people you’ve helped--”

He shook his head bitterly. “Malcolm out-donated every other rich asshole on the West coast and there was still no bigger bastard than him. It was all for show, Felicity. What if I’m doing the same thing?”

_ ~You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind~ _

Felicity rested her hands on his shoulders and met his troubled gaze with her steady one. “If you were anything like him, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.” She moved one hand over his chest. “You have a good heart, Tommy. No-one automatically becomes their parents - especially when they’re fighting so hard not to.”

She smiled wryly, “You met my Mom. I love her to death but I never want to end up like her. We’re completely different people. But I still give myself a heart attack when I see her in myself in a particular light or with my hair done a certain way.

“If you really want to know how different you are from Malcolm, all you have to do is see how people act around you. Around him they were guarded, suspicious, and shut down. You make people relax and open up, you make people happy. You are sunlight where he was an icy blast of wind.”

Her hand moved over his heart and her eyes flicked up to his, filled with a warmth that simultaneously stole his breath and filled him with hope.

_ ~The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood~ _

He dipped his head and processed what she had said. Tommy wasn’t sure who he was anymore, but wanted so desperately to be the man Felicity saw. And if she said he’s not a creep, then he was willing to take it on faith as long as she kept looking at him like that.

She had said he was like sunlight, but that was exactly the way he felt about her. He remembered reading something about how sunflowers faced each other for warmth and life when the weather around them was harsh. Maybe that’s what they were - a patch of sunlight for each other in the midst of the darkness.

_ ~I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing, in my head for you~ _

Tommy wanted to be that for her. He just had to keep turning away from the darkness of Malcolm and his past, and towards the person he wanted to be - someone who could be the sunlight for Felicity.

One hand was firm on her waist, feeling her warmth through the fabric. His other skimmed lightly over her shoulder and toyed with her hair.

He was seized by an impulse to bury his hands in her hair, but he knew better than to mess up her intricate up-do. Instead, he let his fingers trace the line of her jaw until he was cupping her face.

_ ~Love your curves and all your edges~ _

His forehead fell against hers and the room faded away.

“Felicity,” he breathed.

She tilted her chin up and in the next instant they were kissing.

The kiss was soft for a moment and then quickly deepened into something almost indecent in its intimacy.

_ ~Give your all to me, I’ll give my all to you~ _

It was like being in the eye of a storm. Adrenaline crashing through his veins yet feeling grounded where her skin touched his. 

The kiss ended and they swayed for a moment more, foreheads touching, anchoring each other to this moment, this place, this feeling of security and oneness.

They continued their dance, and the way she looked at him made him feel like he could fly.

_ ~You’re my end and my beginning~ _

A beginning. He liked the sound of that. Beginning something with Felicity. Something filled with warmth and love. 

_ ~’Cause I give you all of me~ _

He could make sure that he was someone worthy of her. He could do it for both their sakes. Tommy took a deep breath, kissed her tenderly, and began to dance again.


End file.
